funny freelance

Back to school, a guide for parents

By Kat Hobza

Published by Simply Family Magazine, August 2011

I have sent my kids back to school a total of 28 times. Each grade level presents new challenges. To prepare you, I’ve rated your anxiety level, your level of freedom and descriptions of whom your child will encounter at school.  Here is sort of a What to Expect When You’re Expecting for back to school…

 Kindergarten: Some parents will be weeping the whole week leading up to the first day of Kindergarten and need sedation when the big day arrives. Other parents will be doing back-flips down the hallway.   

Your anxiety level (on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest): 15
Your level of freedom: 4
Who you’ll hear about after the first day of school:

The playground bully- Don’t be surprised if the playground bully has pig-tails instead of a buzz cut. Little boys can pale in comparison to their bullying female counterparts. Tell your little one to not to take it personally. Then encourage her to look little Sally right in the eye and tell her she’s not afraid of her. Bullies look for who they perceive to be the weakest link.

 The know-it-all - Any Kindergarten teacher will tell you every class has a little darling who has been told how precious he is from the time he was born, and he’s started to believe it. It’s up to your child to help the know-it-all realize he will lead a lonely and solitary existence if he doesn’t butt out of other people’s affairs.
 
The class brat-This little whipper-snapper is all about open defiance. The class brat is a nuisance because she detracts from everyone’s learning experience. Encourage your Kindergartener to tell the class distraction, “You are infringing on my civil rights to a obtain a free education.” It won’t work, but it will make your kid look smart.
 

 Junior High:

Your anxiety level- likely high (you have a teenager now- get used to it)
Your level of freedom- 7
Who you’ll hear about after the first day of school:

 The stoner- At this grade level children can get lost in the fray. You’ll hear about truancy, long black coats, interesting piercings, strong profane language and drugs. The junior highs in Billings are large, so your children will have lots of choices in the friend department, and these lost little souls (who will  hopefully find themselves once they have navigated junior high) will provide little more than talk of wardrobe choices and poor grades.

 The, um, rhymes with, “shut”- Your daughter in particular will likely comment on the girls wearing excessive makeup, low-cut shirts and painted-on jeans. Commend your daughter for recognizing this is not appropriate. Tell her she needs to be true to herself. If your daughter isn’t complaining about this, you might want to make sure she isn’t changing into more provocative attire when she gets to school. It happens. Don’t kid yourself.

 Note to all parents of 13-year-olds: Your child will lose a year of school when they are 13. If the teachers seem like they are taking the year off from teaching, it’s because they are. A 13-year-old brain literally disengages.  Spare yourself hours of frustration by standing firm, while lowering your standards. They will come back around when they turn 14.

High School:
Your anxiety level- Zip. You’re a pro at this by now.
Your level of freedom: 9
Who you’ll hear about after the first day of school:
 
Pregnant girls- So-and-so will have gotten pregnant over the summer. Every parent’s nightmare right? Take a pro-active approach to this high school heart -stopper. Have your teenagers watch 16 and Pregnant all summer. It goes a long way in taking the denial and perceived glamour out of pregnancy. Watch it with them and feel free to insert your parental opinions. For example, I like to throw in an occasional, “If you love me at all, please do not make me raise a grandbaby” or, “I didn’t do that good of a job raising my own babies, so I hope you don’t expect me to raise yours.”

The jocks- If your child is a senior in particular, you are going to be hearing a lot about this group. For many jocks the glory days are waning, so they kick it into overdrive by acting like total tools and thusly annoying everyone around  them. Just remind your high-schooler that it’s hard to peak at 18.

College:
Your anxiety level- Surprisingly high. Your child looks like an adult but is still a baby in your head. Will they eat? Will they sleep? Will they actually attend class?
Your level of freedom- Physically- a 10. Financially- a ZERO.
Who you’ll hear about after the first day of school:

 The partiers: These are the kids who have likely been micro-managed throughout  childhood (note to all you control freak parents) and are enjoying freedom for the first time. No one knows exactly why college freedom equates to excessive  drinking, but it does. If your adult/child’s grades start to slip, tighten the purse strings. Nothing will bring a kid around like the threat of having to eat noodles for 3 months straight, or worse yet, paying for their own education.