funny freelance

Make up your own holiday

By Kat Hobza

  You’re so tired of turkey that if you see or smell one anywhere but on the roadside, you’ll hurl.  The tree (which you threatened to store up Uncle Earl’s kiester for his unkind review of the aforementioned turkey) is disassembled and your house is back to “normal.”  Frantic searches for the perfect token of your holiday esteem are over.  The Christmas wrap and bows are tucked neatly under the stairs and it looks like you might have two whole commitment-free weekends…in a row.  You inhale a deep breath and exhale with a happy little sigh.  The holidays are behind us.  Right?

  Not even close.  According to greeting card companies and other slack-twisted organizations with more free time than Gary Busey, the fun’s just begun.  If you can think it, the American society can celebrate it and Mr. Hallmark and his friends can make a card for it.  If you think I’m exaggerating, take a look at what you’ve already missed:

December 26:  Boxing Day.  Coincidence that Boxing Day comes right after a day you’ve spent locked up with your family?  At least Christmas isn’t followed by “Lace Your Relatives’ Coffee With Arsenic Day.”

January 4:  Trivia Day.  Don’t celebrate this day.  People hate other people who are good at trivia because it makes them feel stupid.  Or so I’ve been told. 

Jan. 7:  I’m Not Going to Take it Anymore Day.  Like this is a special day.  Don’t all of us celebrate this daily, at about

8:30 p.m.

???? 

Jan. 8:  Midwife Day.  If you’re reading this in February, that means you forgot to celebrate your midwife this year.  Nice going.  Hope you’re not planning on having any more kids.

Jan. 10:  Organize Your Home Day.  Yeah.  They have ONE day for this?  Our already disorderly homes have been rocked asunder with a Christmas tornado of things we don’t need and don’t have room for.  We don’t need a day.  We need at least a month.  And the ambition.  Or a trained professional to do it for us.

Jan. 15:  Bald Eagle Appreciation Day.  Remember this one next year.  Bald eagles have to go through life, well, bald.  It’s not an easy existence, and it’s especially hard on the females.  Knit your neighborhood female bald eagle a little hat.  Weave a little rug for the male (the Donald Trump look is especially popular among young bald eagles).  If you’re in a pinch, just leave a dead squirrel in the yard.

Jan. 18:  Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day.  I celebrated this un-holiday by purchasing the “South Beach Diet” book, a Snuggie and a Pops-a-Dent.

Jan. 21:  National Hugging Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.  Uh-oh.  Someone in the fake holiday department screwed up.  Clearly, Squirrel Appreciation Day should come BEFORE Bald Eagle Appreciation Day.  The squirrels would probably feel appreciated if you spared them on Bald Eagle Appreciation Day.  Next year, hug a squirrel.  That should cover National Hugging Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.  Might want to get current on all your shots first.

Jan. 24:  Anniversary of First Canned Beer.  We know you’re devastated if you missed this one.  To make up for it, buy and consume a canned beer and five of his closest friends.

Jan. 27:  Thomas Crapper Day.  Any time we’re using indoor plumbing we are honoring Thomas Crapper.  If you’ve started to take this technology for granted, go camping for a week. 

Jan. 31:  Bubble Wrap Day.  Bubble wrap is pretty fascinating stuff.  Next year, buy a roll of bubble wrap and twist it at your desk.  While popping bubble wrap provides tireless entertainment for the twister, the noise it makes is offensive to the non-twister.  So if you overdo it, you might find your co-workers celebrating “Duct Tape an Annoying Co-Worker to His Chair Day.”

Feb. 7:  Bun Day.  This is an Icelandic holiday.  We’re not sure if they mark this “holiday” by eating lots of carbs or by celebrating their derrieres.  To be on the safe side, cook up some Pillsbury Dough Boy Buttermilk buns and buy yourself a fancy pair of undies.  

Feb. 8:  Dump Your Significant Jerk Day.  There’s probably more than a few of you that can get behind this holiday.  And how clever that it comes right before Valentines Day (Feb. 14) so you don’t have to buy your Significant Jerk a present!

Feb. 21:  Martyr’s Day.  Pass this day by reminding everyone it’s Martyr’s Day, while assuring them it’s okay that they didn’t get you anything.

Feb. 24:  Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day.  Something about this seems just a stitch patronizing, unless you have a daughter who shows signs of being interested in engineering.  It’s a little like starting an “Introduce a Boy to Housekeeping Day.” 

Mar. 1:  National Pig Day.  Now we’re talkin’!  We’ve all got pigs in our lives.  Some have swine in their family; some have them in the work place.  Honor the pig in your circle with a ham.  They’ll think you’re being thoughtful (if not a bit strange).  Only you will know that you are honoring your chosen hog on Pig Day with a slaughtered pig.  The symbolism (as well as the pork) is delicious!

Mar. 3:  What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day?  This day offers us the opportunity to open a thoughtful dialogue with our pets by asking them what they would do with opposable digits.  Don’t be surprised if your pet replies by asking what you would do with a tail, nine lives OR A LIFE!!!

Mar. 7:  Fun Facts About Names Day.  This festive event is known in some countries as “Geeks Are People Too Day” or “Who Gives a S*** Day”. 

March 13:  Plant Uranus Day.  Celebrate this celestial occasion by Planting Uranus in a chair all day in front of the boob tube.

Mar. 17:  St. Patrick’s Day.  A.k.a. “Green Beer Day.”  Strangely, no one has ever thought to make Mar. 18 “Green VomitDay.”

Mar. 26:  Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. Ah ha!  This must be how all this madness got started!  When is someone going to invent a “Make it stop” day?