funny freelance

A haunting how-not-to

By Kat Hobza

  This past summer, my kids got this chicken-livered scaredy-cat hooked on Discovery Channel’s A Haunting.  If you’ve seen this series, you know that it profiles families, people and homes that have been haunted.

  After watching these accounts, the kids and I stumbled onto a few common themes that were threaded through each story.  We’ve comprised a list of clues that may signify or encourage a haunting.  Heed this list, or you may be getting a call from the crew at the Discovery Channel.

• Don’t play with a Ojai board.  Common sense should mandate that you not invite ghosts and dead people into your house, but many people play with a Ojai board and then act shocked and confused when said ghost/dead person doesn’t go away.  This tip can be filed under: Der.
• If the inside of a non- air conditioned home is 50 degrees cooler than the temperature outside, there’s a ghost in that house.  How do you distinguish between a drafty or poorly insulated home and the presence of an entity?  If the thermostat in the house registers above freezing, but you can see your breath, you’ve got yourself a haunting. 
• Be aware of subtle signs when house hunting.  For example, if the Real Estate Agent refuses to come in the house, it’s probably safe to say she knows something about that house you don’t.  And that something probably pushed her down the stairs the last time she showed the house.  Also, if there is a half eaten steak dinner on the counter, or the previous owner’s possessions are still in the home, continue your search.  Finally, if a house is a “good deal” it’s more than likely because of the dead guy buried in a trunk in the attic. 
• If you’re a single mom, it’s best to buy new construction.  For some inexplicable reason, ghosts REALLY like to pick on single moms- particularly if they have disabled children.  Not surprisingly, these ghosts are usually evil (wouldn’t you have to be to terrorize a single mom with a disabled child?  Who does that?).
• If you purchase a home that you know was built on a burial ground, it’s best if you don’t dabble in witchcraft.  (That Der file is getting a bit full, don’t you think?).  On one of the shows, some functioning moron finds an Indian burial site in his basement and decides to practice witchcraft, which in turn, (rightfully) pissed off the Indian spirits.  Here is the only appropriate course of action when you find a burial site in your basement:  MOVE.
• If you want your dwelling to remain ghost-free, try to alleviate all fighting with your spouse and/or any sources of tension.  Ghosts prey on discourse.  If you and your spouse fight a lot, at a minimum, make certain that there isn’t an old broken player piano in the living room.  That thing will be pumping out show tunes, by itself, before you know it.
• Secret tunnels, while intriguing, increase your odds of a haunting by roughly 96.359 percent.  If those secret tunnels have children’s drawings on the walls and MORE openings that have been nailed shut, just do yourself a favor and program your local ghost busters into your phone’s speed dial.